Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood
1423 Mayor’s Drive (unit B)
Villetown XB2231

c/o mayor@villetown.com

Dear SIR,

I am QUITE appalled at the form letters enclosed within your latest “attempt” at communication (if one can even CALL it that – which I cannot). As a loyal member of your citizenry – one, I might add, that is dwindling as turtles go on an orgiastic spree of consumption – it is my right duty to inform you that you are being quite the prig. Oh dear, oh dear, whatever have you reduced me to? I am INFLAMED with outrage, and you shall being hearing from both my physician (by way of a bill for my vapors) and my barrister (for undue emotionality and conflict).

Most UN Sincerely,

Gatsby

P.S. MY TRASH HAS NOT BEEN COLLECTED IN A FORTNIGHT!!!

Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood
1423 Mayor’s Drive (unit B)
Villetown XB2231

Dear Constituant #9201,

We received your letter regarding concerns over neighborhood safety, but regret to inform you that we are unable to respond as requested due to lack of completed form 702B (in triplicate). As you are a regular taxpayer, we have included a complimentary form for future complaints. HOWEVER, should you feel compelled to make suggestions, please procure and use the appropriate form: 702A (in duplicate).

Best wishes and much luck in your future endeavors,

The Office of his Honor Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood

Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood
1423 Mayor’s Drive (unit B)
Villetown  XB2231

Most HONORABLE Mayor Thrumblood,

I am writing as a GREATLY concerned citizen of our fair Villetown. One might say there could be no GREATER concerned body than I!

Lately, many a foul event has plagued our sleepy little hamlet: accursed Puffinry, upsetting run-ins with the YOUTH of neighboring Buffton, and now the savage killing of the young member of the Pidgewidge clan.

What plans have you and the council set forth to rectify these many signs that our little oasis in the modern world is being dragged down to the depths of probable ghetto? What assurances can you give me, landowner and upstanding citizen (who has voted for you in 46 of the past 47  electoral events*) that anything will be done to restore safety?

Pip & Tut to YOU, Sir!

Gatsby

* Gatsby was ill during election 47 with a most severe flair-up of THE GOUT, and therefore was unable to make it to the polling place.

Jenny Quealy
RabbitScan Project Manager
PO Box 4065
AustraliaLand, AUS
rabbitscan1@gmail.com
(02) 4753 6373
0404 847 302

To ONE Ms. J. Quealy,

I was having a lovely bowl of porridge this morning, topped with bits of banana (just as I always like it), when one of those blasted puffins that shares my lane interrupted my solitude by sending me 40 copies of an electronic mail forward. What, you ask, was the subject of this intrusive electronic onslaught? Well, Madame, it was an article in some so-called “newspaper” from your fair country that proudly announced your successful initiative to map “pest rabbits.”

Appalling, APPALLING!

Pure, unadulterated, evil.

Among other insults, your website features incendiary polls that suggest we rabbit fellows do such things as “attract foxes and cats,” and “eat out native bushland.” I am not even entirely certain what that last one means, but I suspect it is HIGHLY slanderous and inappropriate. Then there is the matter of this highly offensive little limerick. Do you not get tired of spreading prejudice and hatred about our kind?

Having traveled several times to your fair country, I feel as if my tourism dollars have been funneled into this hate crime initiative without my consent! What recourse is there for an educated rabbit fellow who can nary help his uneducated cousins down-under, left to the mercy of angry backbush farmers grasping their pitchforks and total lack of iambic pentameter?!

A fine citizen, a dear friend.

To remedy this matter, I am dispatching my good Aussie chum, Jerry Wombat (aka Jerry Two-Stones), to serve as my proxy in negotiations herewith. Yes, yes, you are correct in thinking that Jerry Wombat (aka Jerry Two-Stones) is THAT Jerry Wombat (aka Jerry Two-Stones), but rest assured that time has mellowed the brute and he hardly ever “knocks an average-sized man over, his sharp teeth and powerful jaws resulting in severe wounds.” Well, hardly ever. And when I think on it, it seems Jerry might have been the victim of the same Aussie-Human slander that we lapin-folk find ourselves subject to. Troubling times, indeed!

I will await  a formal apology, which I would expect filled out in triplicate, with all the appropriate seals and insignia necessary to make it binding and legal. Tut tut!

With high hopes and sincere intent,

Gatsby

p.s. How Burrumbuttock Topped the Score!? Uncouth, uncouth!

To: GB