c/o mayor@villetown.com

Dear SIR,

I am QUITE appalled at the form letters enclosed within your latest “attempt” at communication (if one can even CALL it that – which I cannot). As a loyal member of your citizenry – one, I might add, that is dwindling as turtles go on an orgiastic spree of consumption – it is my right duty to inform you that you are being quite the prig. Oh dear, oh dear, whatever have you reduced me to? I am INFLAMED with outrage, and you shall being hearing from both my physician (by way of a bill for my vapors) and my barrister (for undue emotionality and conflict).

Most UN Sincerely,

Gatsby

P.S. MY TRASH HAS NOT BEEN COLLECTED IN A FORTNIGHT!!!

Dear Constituant #9201,

We received your letter regarding concerns over neighborhood safety, but regret to inform you that we are unable to respond as requested due to lack of completed form 702B (in triplicate). As you are a regular taxpayer, we have included a complimentary form for future complaints. HOWEVER, should you feel compelled to make suggestions, please procure and use the appropriate form: 702A (in duplicate).

Best wishes and much luck in your future endeavors,

The Office of his Honor Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood

Most HONORABLE Mayor Thrumblood,

I am writing as a GREATLY concerned citizen of our fair Villetown. One might say there could be no GREATER concerned body than I!

Lately, many a foul event has plagued our sleepy little hamlet: accursed Puffinry, upsetting run-ins with the YOUTH of neighboring Buffton, and now the savage killing of the young member of the Pidgewidge clan.

What plans have you and the council set forth to rectify these many signs that our little oasis in the modern world is being dragged down to the depths of probable ghetto? What assurances can you give me, landowner and upstanding citizen (who has voted for you in 46 of the past 47  electoral events*) that anything will be done to restore safety?

Pip & Tut to YOU, Sir!

Gatsby

* Gatsby was ill during election 47 with a most severe flair-up of THE GOUT, and therefore was unable to make it to the polling place.