To: Gatsby

Sender’s Whereabouts: Closer than you think…

Missster Gatsby,

We hear you have rekindled waylaid plans to picnic on the moon. Let us assure you that any such plans are FOOLISH and FOOLHARDY. Esssspecially if they include advice or help from THERAMUNGO.

You haven’t heard from THERAMUNGO recently, have you?

WE THOUGHT NOT.

Watch your step, kind sir. Watch your sssstep.

Signed,

“Finch”

To: GB

From:

Pliny (the Younger)
LXVII Oysterbath Way
Lower Triumphia
BCBG81

Do please release my hendecasyllables from their promise – they were guarantors to our friends for the apperance of your work, and every day brings in some new request and demand; so they now run the risk of being served with a writ to produce it. I know I am very slow to publish my own work, but you overdo even my doubts and hesitations. So bestir yourself, or else beware lest I drag those books out of you by the fury of my iambics, since my hendcasyllables failed to entice them with honeyed words! The work is already finished and perfect; revision will not give them further polish but only dull its freshness.

Please let me see your name published and hear that my friend’s books are being copied, read and sold. In view of our warm friendship, it is only fair that you should let me have the same pleasure from you as you enjoy in me.

Perturbed,

Pliny (the Younger)

Perturbed,

Pliny (the Younger)

My DEAR Pliny,

I’d rather appreciate if you refrain from sending these “helpful reminders” re: my memoirs. It is already quite difficult to produce a work of Quality and Substance with my rotten editor breathing down my neck (foul woman, quite unplesant and crass!), so I’d thank you to keep your trips of guilt and whimsy to yourself, thank you very much!

Adieu!

GB

P.S. Bridge on Tuesday? You bring the crusty loaves, this time!

Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood
1423 Mayor’s Drive (unit B)
Villetown XB2231

c/o mayor@villetown.com

Dear SIR,

I am QUITE appalled at the form letters enclosed within your latest “attempt” at communication (if one can even CALL it that – which I cannot). As a loyal member of your citizenry – one, I might add, that is dwindling as turtles go on an orgiastic spree of consumption – it is my right duty to inform you that you are being quite the prig. Oh dear, oh dear, whatever have you reduced me to? I am INFLAMED with outrage, and you shall being hearing from both my physician (by way of a bill for my vapors) and my barrister (for undue emotionality and conflict).

Most UN Sincerely,

Gatsby

P.S. MY TRASH HAS NOT BEEN COLLECTED IN A FORTNIGHT!!!

Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood
1423 Mayor’s Drive (unit B)
Villetown XB2231

Dear Constituant #9201,

We received your letter regarding concerns over neighborhood safety, but regret to inform you that we are unable to respond as requested due to lack of completed form 702B (in triplicate). As you are a regular taxpayer, we have included a complimentary form for future complaints. HOWEVER, should you feel compelled to make suggestions, please procure and use the appropriate form: 702A (in duplicate).

Best wishes and much luck in your future endeavors,

The Office of his Honor Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood

Mayor Oscar J. Thrumblood
1423 Mayor’s Drive (unit B)
Villetown  XB2231

Most HONORABLE Mayor Thrumblood,

I am writing as a GREATLY concerned citizen of our fair Villetown. One might say there could be no GREATER concerned body than I!

Lately, many a foul event has plagued our sleepy little hamlet: accursed Puffinry, upsetting run-ins with the YOUTH of neighboring Buffton, and now the savage killing of the young member of the Pidgewidge clan.

What plans have you and the council set forth to rectify these many signs that our little oasis in the modern world is being dragged down to the depths of probable ghetto? What assurances can you give me, landowner and upstanding citizen (who has voted for you in 46 of the past 47  electoral events*) that anything will be done to restore safety?

Pip & Tut to YOU, Sir!

Gatsby

* Gatsby was ill during election 47 with a most severe flair-up of THE GOUT, and therefore was unable to make it to the polling place.