This weekend I was enjoying a lovely spread (cheese, apple, and cilantro ragout spread atop a crusty loaf) at a local greenspace, when the most horrific and confusing scenario developed.

Firstly, a loud cacophony of rattling drums and electronic bleeps filled the air. Then, a piercing array of squealing and churlish laughter. Finally, a blast of exhaust sprayed about the dandelions and crabgrass. Most unpleasant!

Young Ladies?

When I stood up to survey the situation and locate the cause, I spied three young ladies – likely past their secondary exams, but not yet in university - carousing about in a bright pink auto! What crass and inexplicable behavior! Well, I confronted them most immediately, and you will NEVER believe what transpired:

GB: “I say, I say! You there!”

Rude Young Lady 1: “What’s up GRANDPA!”

GB: “Tut tut! Do take your auto elsewhere, this field is for picnicking and cloud-gazing ONLY!”

Rude Young Lady 2: “Hey, you can’t tell us what to do! We’re young, fun, and you’re a mean old son of a gun!”

GB: “Well I Never!”

Rude Young Lady 3: “Ieeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee!”

Then the foul “ladies” sped away, but not before leaving a series of AWFUL tire treads across my lovely lace spread, and upsetting my pitcher of ginger lemonade. I will NEVER get the soot off this once fabulous cloth. Woe, WOE!

I simply cannot express my outrage in words. Perhaps a letter to the local magistrate about the up-rise in youthful autoing in the park will avenge my ruined picnicking cloth? What to do, what to do?